Inspiring a mental health revolution. That’s the goal of My Friend Abby. The Connecticut-based nonprofit offers grants to young people who are working to improve mental health and prevent suicides through peer-to-peer connection. Founder Gillian Anderson and Trumbull High School senior Sophia Tobias spoke with Good at Heart host Randye Kaye about their work to save young lives through awareness and connection.
WSHU: This is Good at Heart conversations with people who quietly make the world better. I'm Randy Kay, and today I'm here with two guests. I'm going to ask you to introduce yourself and tell me a little bit about you.
Gillian Anderson: Thank you so much, Randy. My name is Gillian Anderson, founder of My Friend Abby. We are a youth and young adult suicide prevention organization inspiring young adults to take action in the arena of mental health, mental wellness, and suicide prevention. And we do that through grants and community projects.
WSHU: Wow, that's a big and important mission. And we also have…
Sophia Tobias: Hi, my name is Sophia Tobias. I'm an intern with My Friend Abby and a senior at Trumbull High School, where I'm a student leader at the My Friend Abby Club.
WSHU: Oh, wonderful! Well, here at Good at Heart, we ask five questions. I will start with you, Gillian. Who do you help, and how?
GA: Well, My Friend Abby, we really help youth and young adults through education, through awareness, and meaningful peer-to-peer connections. That's really what it's all about. We are working to reduce stigma and create a culture where conversations about mental health really begin at a younger age, and we encourage, you know, young adults to be a lot more open about mental health and mental wellness and suicide prevention.
WSHU: And you do this, for instance. You were just telling me there is a club in the high school. The, yeah, what is the My Friend Abby Club? I know you had a lot of people sign up. What is it, Sophia?
ST: Yeah, so the My Friend Abby Club has been around for two years at Trumbull High School, and this year we actually had around 198 students sign up, which is amazing considering that it's relatively new. Yeah. So we just had our first meeting about a week and a half ago, and the meetings are going to be centered around awareness activities, education, and just to create a general space where students feel safe speaking up. I believe it's the first mental health club Trumbull High School has had, so it's an amazing accomplishment.
WSHU: Wow, we live in a time when I think mental health is front and center, as it should be. But it also, and a lot of people are blaming COVID and screens. It's something that I'm glad is being addressed because it's more, more out there than ever. It feels like so. We're going to learn a little bit more about the various things that My Friend Abby stands for and does, but I want to go to the second question, which is, you know, why you? Can you say a bit of your story, Gillian? I'll start with you.
GA: Yeah, of course. I want to just caveat what Sophia said for a moment, though, that just that My Friend Abby itself is not a crisis organization, so we really are kind of going upstream and making sure that everybody knows how important it is to be open and get rid of the stigma and talk about mental health.
WSHU: So, like, a prevention organization.
GA: Exactly. Yeah. And Sophia and the group at Trumbull High School, they're amazing. They're amazing, and that's really not our group. It's Trumbull High School's group, but they're sharing our mission, which is so important. So, why does this matter to me?
WSHU: I mean, why you? What's the story behind My Friend Abby?
GA: Yeah, thank you for asking that. So, we had a family tragedy, and that was losing our precious, beautiful daughter Abby to clinical depression and suicide at the age of 15.
WSHU: I'm so sorry.
GA: Thank you.
WSHU: Tell me something wonderful about Abby.
GA: She was so wonderful. She gave back a lot. She was an empath. She really, really could feel others. She was always there for her friends. She was always just. I know it sounds kind of cliché. She was a bright light. She really did gravitate towards other people's needs. She volunteered at museums, and she always wanted to give back. But she was also full of energy and life. She was a varsity cheerleader. She was surrounded by her friends. She was so hopeful about the future. She loved life, which is so ironic considering she died by suicide.
WSHU: It's the second leading cause of death of kids. There's an age range there, and yet it isn't spoken about enough. So, you took your grief and turned it into this. Is that...
GA: Yeah, it became my purpose. I mean, suicide is still the second leading cause of death. Ages 10 to 34. We've gone younger, unfortunately.
WSHU: Wow.
GA: Yeah. And again, it's not talked about. It's just, it's just not. Suicide is a very difficult word. We need to talk about suicide. We need to talk about mental illness. Those are very difficult words for people, and a lot of people turn away. And I think Abby would have been very proud of what we're doing today, and just standing up and shouting it from the rooftops that it's so important to educate yourself, educate others. And help others in a big way, as she said, and I can talk about that a little bit later. But somebody like Sophia...
WSHU: Yeah Sophia, how did you get how and why did you get involved in My Friend Abby? What's your scoop?
ST: Yeah, so as a young adult, I have personally felt the stigma surrounding mental health and being silent. And I've also unfortunately watched it in my community, and that's why I think that it is so important to foster spaces where people feel safe speaking up, even if it's not a big thing. I think it's important that people feel safe speaking up, no matter what their issues are. And My Friend Abby does a great job of creating those spaces. So I think that, especially as an intern, I'm very grateful to be able to further that through the club and through my engagement with awareness activities and the community events that we do.
WSHU: To get a student to join the My Friend Abby Club, like, what's your pitch? Like, when you say we have this club, it's My Friend Abby. But if someone goes, well, what is that? What exactly do you tell them?
ST: Yeah, so especially in the first meeting, we kind of emphasize that this is not a club meant to raise high expectations. It's not something that you need to have perfect attendance to. There's no bar to meet. It's just simply a very safe space for people to be able to open up and talk to each other. And I think that it's also been a great opportunity for people to become educated, and we're actually polling students right now on the Google Classroom about what they'd like to see in future meetings. And I've actually seen that a lot of people are interested in learning more. Many people want to support friends who may be going through something. So I think that having a club at the school is just great to have. Even if people don't speak up yet. They know that there is a space where they are welcome.
WSHU: That's amazing.
GA: It's a beautiful third space, I think, for a lot of students. And the mission is to really foster those connections, as Sophia said, and just do meaningful activities. Again, not a crisis organization, but, um, you know, really having the opportunity to open up. There's also I just want to mention there is a My Friend Abby club now at New Canaan High School as well, and we have a few other schools that are very interested too. And this is just a part of what we do.
WSHU: So tell me more about what you do besides you know I mean it's it's such a huge mission and part of my work is and part of this podcast is my passion for human connection, and you know, as an actor by trade as well as a broadcaster, I know friends of mine that have taught acting in college, and they say, "Ooh, the freshman now, we have a lot of catching up to do with emotional intelligence compared to 10 years ago, and I think this is getting better with screens not allowed in school. But you know, there's. It's always been a tough world. The world is always tough, but I think that it's easier to hide from each other these days. I love the idea of opening up the conversation. But what else do you want everybody to know about the mission and the activities of My Friend Abby, besides the club?
GA: Great question. Yeah, isolation and loneliness are huge. And yes, COVID, you know, didn't help. But I, I think again, you know, young adults need to have these conversations and really recognize the power of their own voices and what they can do to make a difference. And so, when we do these things face to face, again, we are empowering young adults to really take action in this whole very big arena of mental health, mental wellness, and suicide prevention. And again, I use that word again: the more we talk about it, the more we're getting rid of the stigma, and we're also asking young adults to help look out for the signs in each other. So
WSHU: That's, that's great.
GA: That's huge. And one of the projects that we did last year and that we're going to do again is QPR training, which is something that is also available to young adults.
WSHU: What's QPR training?
GA: It's called Question, Persuade, and Refer, and it's really a peer-to-peer way of finding out how to look out for the signs in your friends who you think are struggling, and it can be a very big nut to crack. But we, again, baby steps. The more we educate our young adults, you know, Sophia tells her story so eloquently in her struggles through middle school, and once she does that, it really allows other students to say, "Wow, you know, I've had similar experiences," and she's opening up about it. So, you know, I can too.
WSHU: Can you share a little bit of that here?
ST: Yeah. So, growing up, I did experience some bullying and anxiety that has personally affected me. But I think, as an intern now and as someone that has been advocating for mental health, I think it's definitely easier for me to recognize, and that's why I really strive to be able to create those peer-to-peer connections. My Friend Abby puts so much stress on. I think it's so important, and awareness doesn't have to start at some huge level. It is peer-to-peer. It's very important to have that. And I also think with the QPR training that you were just mentioning, it is very important to know that prevention does start long before a crisis, and we have to start normalizing that. I think that, yeah, even before you start recognizing signs, just being there for people, even if you don't notice something right away, it's just as important that they know that you're there.
WSHU: Yeah, go ahead.
GA: You don't have to be a professional to help a friend, but knowing the signs is very helpful, and also knowing that it's important to go to a trusted adult or a school advisor if you think somebody is struggling. Sophia has been such an amazing ambassador, and it's taken her a long time to open up and tell her story and have that self-awareness. We have a meeting once a week with young adults with My Friend Abby. We do social media, but we also solve the world's problems and learn from each other. Learning from each other is really, really important in having these conversations. And one of the things at the heart of what My Friend Abby does is that we do what we call peer project grants and also community projects. So again, kind of third spaces and getting everybody together with our community projects, but peer project grants: anyone who's a young adult can apply. If the onus is on them to come up with an idea that revolves around mental health and mental wellness, and we've got all kinds of neat stuff that has been done in the past.
WSHU: Can you name one? Can you name? I mean, love to hear a story of somebody who was helped by this, or a project that got launched by this?
GA: Yeah, there's a lot of evidence-based things that can be done for young adults. You know, for each other, we have a group that reviews any applications and all of that. But evidence-based means getting outside, enjoying the environment, listening to music, and doing sports or athletics. One great project we had over the summer involved Grace and Nate. They created meaningful friendships and lasting connections through several events for peers with disabilities and special needs, so they connected everyone through pool parties. They went bowling. They went to the library. They played board games.
WSHU: This is a high school student-led initiative that you helped to support,
GA: And of course, we were going to support something like that.
WSHU: I love that. You know, it's honoring your daughter in so many ways, and prevention, and taking the stigma. As you may not know this, Sophia, but I have a son with a serious mental illness, and he still feels alone. You know, the connections are difficult, and so I love that this exists and is spreading around. Let me ask each of you: what inspires you? I mean, is there a particular person you'd like to tell us about, or a quote that you live by, or a philosophy? Tell me something that inspires you, Sophia. Can you go first?
GA: Yeah. I know this is said a lot, but I definitely treat others the way I want to be treated. One of my biggest aspirations is just making sure that all of my friends, everybody, feels so welcome and able to come to me for anything, and that's something that I really appreciated when I myself was struggling. I think that it's so important to have someone there, kind of just checking in consistently, and yeah, I think it's just great to have those connections. Yeah,
WSHU: That's an oldie but a goodie for sure, Gillian.
GA: I totally agree with Sophia. Never underestimate the power of human connection. It is protection, as we say. I am inspired by so many things. You would have to give me a couple of hours to answer this question fully, but I am inspired by these young adults who are willing to open up and get the help that they need, and of course educate themselves or share their stories, like Sophia is doing. I'm also inspired by the families who struggle every day to support their loved ones with mental illness. It's a very long road, a very tough process, as you know, Randy. And we need a better mental health care system. That's something that I'm always trying to push for. I'm also inspired by those who have lost someone to suicide; I have met so many amazing people along the way. You know, it's a group that you really don't want to ever belong to. But I am as supportive as possible on other grief journeys. I actually co-facilitate a loss support group once a month. These are people who all need a lifeline. We all need to talk about, you know, what we're experiencing. It's a very complicated grief, and so we share our grief journeys, and we're there for each other.
WSHU: Let me ask each of you a question that's not on one of the five. Gillian, if you could, what would you want people who have not experienced a loved one die by suicide to know? What would you like us to know that would most help you? You don't want somebody to go, "Oh, I know just how you feel when we don't." Like, what is a? What would you like us to know of a good way to support someone who has lost someone to suicide?
GA: Yeah. First of all, we're only human. We're all human, and I think, again, suicide is such a scary thing for most people. A lot of people turn away. They can't face it, just like they can't face talking about mental illness sometimes. But when it's suicide, it's very complex, and a lot of people don't understand, or they judge right away, or they make a decision right away about that. Whereas usually, with suicide, I think about 98% of it is someone with an underlying mental health condition, may or may not, you know, obviously have been diagnosed properly. So just keep an open heart and help as much as you can with the person who's struggling. We're all still. I'm still trying to make sense of my daughter's suicide 12 years ago. I know we'll never have the answers that we want, and so that goes on. It is one of the worst things I think that can happen to a human being. And you know, for me, losing a child, obviously, and I had some decisions to make. And I talked to a lot of people in our grief support group. One of the first things I say is that it's not unusual if you feel like you want to die by suicide within the first couple of months of losing someone. Because it is so shocking and so unreal. I think it's so important for people to do a little education. Know that it can happen to anyone. Suicide does not discriminate. It does not discriminate. And then be part of that community. Be part of that community that can help. I mean, our organization, My Friend Abby, we are here because of the community partners that we have and the volunteers that we have; they are the engine that runs our organization, and that's because they care, and they want to understand.
WSHU: So while as as long as we are talking, I'll get to Sophia in a minute, but you've partially answered question four, which is how people can help you, so people can go to the website, which is
GA: Yes. Thanks, it's myfriendabby.org. People can help by sharing our mission, sharing our story, attending our events, and following us on social media. I think educating yourself is so very important. I talk to a lot of people who have just lost someone to suicide because I have lived experience. Find someone that has lived experience and make that connection. It's really, really important.
WSHU: Okay. And on your website, there's a place for people to donate or volunteer.
GA: Of course. Thank you.
WSHU: So, you know, sometimes people just think I don't have time, but I can. You know, so there is definitely a place on the website for that.
GA: Absolutely.
WSHU: Okay, Sophia. When you were in middle school, was there somebody who really helped you, or what would you want somebody to know if you think you? And listen, seventh grade is the hardest. Is the hardest grade, I think. For some reason, especially for females, but it could be anybody. And when you were struggling, was there something you wished somebody would do, or was there something somebody did that helped you? Can you share a tip?
ST: Yeah. So something I learned through myself during that time, and so many others that I've been able to connect to since then, is that when someone is struggling in silence, part of that silence is the fear of judgment. It's the stigma surrounding everything, not wanting to be told what to do. So I think that when approaching situations like that, or even when one of your when someone's friend is struggling, it's very important to know that sometimes they are not looking for advice. Sometimes it's just as important to be there for someone because, you know, you're never going to be in the exact situation as someone else. So I think that it's very important to know that sometimes you don't have to give...
WSHU: …advice, but just listen and be there.
ST: Yeah, sometimes you just have to listen and be there for someone.
WSHU: Okay, is there anything you want to add to what Gillian said about how people can help My Friend Abby?
ST: Yeah. So, My Friend Abby, I think it's, again, so important to get involved, but I think it can be daunting sometimes. Again, it really does start peer-to-peer. So just even being there for a friend, just letting someone know that you're there, the same. That is able to create spaces and let people know that there are places to go to, there are people to tell.
WSHU: Okay, thank you. And also, you know, as a parent of someone who struggles, I'd say there's no shame in being diagnosed with depression or anxiety or needing medication or, you know, being open about it and finding others who are going through that as well because it's such a big population and everybody's doing it in secret. So, I think that I love the peer-to-peer aspect of it. Before I ask you my final question, is there anything you were really, really wanting to say and I didn't ask you?
GA: Well, I think just on what you just said, Randy. You know, mental illness does not define you. It's so important for people to know that, and there are ways to get help. I always like to mention 988, which is the crisis, you know, suicide crisis line, which is something that you can text or call in, and there are professionals on the other end. It's really important that you have someone to talk to. Yes, it can be a journey. Yes, it can be a process. We have young adults who talk about their journey of being hospitalized three or four times, of trying different medications, getting different therapists, but once again, opening up storytelling is so very important. Once they've come out on the other side and they're telling that story, it really is so helpful to other young adults, you know, and families too. Family, there are so many options for families who need support. It's a very lonely place to be. Our family struggled with Abby for two years. She was diagnosed with clinical depression, and we didn't know what that was. We had no idea. We thought we were doing all the right things. We jumped from different therapies and different medications.
WSHU: Until you realize it's a brain illness of a sort. And you know, for me, I went through that journey as well, and I always advocate also for people working with student populations to be educated as to what the diagnoses are because I always feel if someone in high school had said to me, you know, I don't know, but maybe these might be the early signs of schizophrenia. Here's a pamphlet like that would have helped me know what to look for. So there's a lot to fight for, but I love your mission of peers helping peers get educated, being open. So my final question is: Why do you think we're here on Earth?
GA: Oh wow! Human connection, love, love, love, love. Sharing the human experience. I've learned a lot from Abby. You know, there's always a before and an after, connecting with animals and nature. You know, laughing, grieving, you know, finding pieces of ourselves in others. I personally love finding out what makes others tick. That's a passion of mine. So, I think love, and then also I'm gonna come up with a second one, and this is really, really important to me. Abby wrote an aspirational list the day before she died, and it really helps me to keep things in perspective. She did it in her English class again. She was a high school student at the age of 15, and you know, ironically, she loved life. I know I say this all the time. She loved life. She loved her friends. She was so full of life herself. But two of the mottos that we use at my friend Abby were the last two things on her list, and number 37 was help others in a big way, and number 38 was live a happy life.
WSHU: She had 38 things on her list.
GA: She did.
WSHU: So much to live for.
GA: Yeah.
WSHU: And that's why we need to be educated about suicide. It's not. It's not what people think, Sophia?
ST: Yeah, I think helping others in a big way is such a big goal of mine. And I think pivoting off of what Gillian said about finding pieces of yourself in others. I think even through our struggles, we definitely have so many opportunities to connect with each other. And I think, even as a young adult, and observing the effect that suicide has had on my community and mental health in general, I've seen that I've been able to connect with so many more people, and especially with My Friend Abby. I'm very grateful to be able to further that into the club. And I've also met some amazing people there as well. And I know that there is so much more to go, and I'm very excited.
WSHU: Fantastic! Can I ask you, do you have an ambition for what you want to do, like for work, when you're more of a grown-up? You seem like pretty much of a grown-up to me, but you know, when you're launched into the world, do you have an ambition yet for what you want to be? Are you still thinking about it?
ST: I'm not completely set, but I do know I really want to stay involved with advocacy in general, and I think that I'm going to take this with me wherever I go, whatever career I'm in. I think it's so important. Again, just being able to communicate, and that's just so important to me.
WSHU: Okay. It's been an honor speaking to both of you, and you honor Abby with everything you do. Thank you for joining us.
GA/ST: Thank you, Randy. Thank you.
GA: Thank you for being an advocate as well. Really important.
