Supporting a loved one with a mental health condition can leave family members feeling powerless and isolated. The free 8-week Family to Family course helps them get connected and informed. Good at Heart host Randye Kaye speaks with John Pendleton, a Family to Family volunteer instructor, to learn more about the program and how it can provide families with information, insight, and a community.
WSHU: NAMI stands for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They sponsor a free 8-week course called Family to Family.
Hi I’m Randye Kaye, the host of Good at Heart. We have conversations with people who quietly make the world better. Today that’s John Pendleton.
It’s estimated that more than one in 5 U.S. adults experience a mental health condition in any given year. Some of those have a serious mental illness or SMI. That means a lot of family and friends who deal with challenges in someone they love. When that happens, there’s so much to learn. That’s where Family to Family comes in. I asked John about the course and how he got involved with the program.
JP: I got involved when I had a loved one who was diagnosed with mental illness. I called one of the resource lines, and they said, "Hey, you got to take this course. This will really help you”. And so I investigated it and found out that it's a course taught by trained volunteers. And really, it's primarily used to educate family members and friends about some of the key components or issues they're going through. You know, how'd you get a diagnosis? What happened? My life turned upside down.
We approach people sometimes on the worst day of their life when a loved one is psychotic or ill. And the resources in this class, besides being, you know, talking about medications and therapies and treatments and communication skills. You're with people who are in the same boat you're in. Because you could feel so alone when you're dealing with someone who has mental illness, psychosis. So it's been a great program; it helped me a lot, and I've taught 25 classes already.
WSHU: Wow! Wow!
JP: And I learn everything every time I teach from parents and students and friends. It really helped me a lot.
WSHU: It's um, it's actually different. And you know, full disclosure: podcast listeners know that I have a son with schizophrenia, and I'm pretty open about it, about my experience with it. I'm not speaking for him, but as a mother of someone who is experiencing that. And I've probably taught this class about 16 times, and you and I help teach other people to do it. So, you've kind of already answered that first question: Who do you help, and how? But you know, as a fellow teacher of this class, I want to point out that this isn't a support group. This is an educational experience where support also happens.
JP: Exactly right,
WSHU: And it's free, by the way, to take.
JP: Yeah, absolutely. Everything with this is free. If we do it face to face, you can get literature binders. You can make notes for all in one conference room. It tends to be very family-oriented. You know, you people develop a great bond because many times people just bare their soul for the first time. They say things that they would never say because, you know, many times parents and loved ones get blamed for doing something wrong as a parent.
WSHU: Right.
JP: And I tell people if you get nothing out of this class at all, remember you did nothing wrong and you're not alone. There's so much guilt with parents, particularly mothers who…did I eat the wrong food when I was pregnant, did I do too much exercise, did I work too much. And I tell them that had nothing to do with it. So if you get nothing out of it, it did nothing wrong.
WSHU: That's so great because, as I know, and of course this course, when I took it, was a 12-week course. Now it's eight. It's a little more concise, but some people choose to add an extra week on because they don't want it to end. So sometimes it's nine. But every single teacher is someone who not only is interested in helping others, but who has experience in their family. So you've kind of already answered the first two questions: Who do you help, and how? By the way, you co-teach. It's usually taught by a team of teachers, and I believe you teach with the same person all the time.
JP: I do.
WSHU: Yes, and so the second question I think you've already answered, unless you want to add to it, which is why you. Why does this matter to you? Is there anything more about your story that you want to share?
JP: Yeah, it's a good point. I remember, you know, I retired from the business world, and like I said, I had a loved one get diagnosed, and I didn't know what to do, but I took that course. And then I said, “you know, I want to teach this course,” because I wanted to actually give back a little bit because the people who taught it to me, it changed my life. And my co-teacher and I, we always say we get so much out of doing this. We get as much as we give. You know, there's a lot of lecture, but there's a lot of interaction and emotions. And I always leave after the class tired, but rewarded- rewarded that maybe you helped someone, and then you get that note that someone says, you know, “thanks so much for doing this. It really changed my life,” and we get that a lot. It may sound a little selfish, but I love going in.
WSHU: Altruism is always a little bit selfish, and that's okay. Like we feel good when we help somebody else, and that's okay. For the record, someone taking this class doesn't have to even speak; they can just sit and listen. We always say, you know, learn at your own pace, take what you need. It's a lot of information, but I know with my son, the more I knew…and it's everything from information about all sorts of mental health conditions to crisis centers. What do you do? Do I have to call the police? Like, it's very useful information, and something about learning it in a classroom setting with other people is so affirming as well as educational. I would say education is power. For the record, John, can this also be available as a virtual class?
JP: Yeah, once a year. Another co-teacher and I do it on Zoom. In fact, the last class we had was so powerful. We had 12 people on Zoom, which you think is kind of unwieldy when you do this, but one of our big tests is - do you show up for class too? Everyone always showed up. I had people take the class from their car because they couldn't be in a house with their loved one. They didn't want them to hear what was going on. I had people sit in a closet, and just to go back to one step is how we get knowledge. A lot of information comes from the co-workers in the classroom. Some parent or loved one might be saying, you know, I went through this with my son, I didn't know what to do, and you know we don't have all the answers. But so many people in there would, you know, sit next to you, hold your hand, talk about what worked for them, exchange phone numbers, and develop relationships. It's so rewarding when we see that, and that's when my co-teacher and I just go back, and we shut up a little bit, and we let the dynamics work on their own.
WSHU: Right, and because it's not just the teachers who are in the class, but it's who's in the class together. Everybody has different stages of accepting a mental illness and a loved one, and I personally have seen married couples come in when they're in totally different places, and at least at the very least, they understand where the other person is. And sometimes you see them get closer in agreement, get on the same page or on the same runway, as we say.
JP: One thing I wanted to add, and you touched on it, is, you know, I'm talking about interaction and communication. And if you want to come in here and say nothing, it's perfectly fine. It's 100% fine. So don't feel intimidated if you're thinking of taking the course. You said I'm not ready to share. As Randy said, you've got to take it at your own time.
WSHU: I've had people take it more than once, and there's so much we could say about it. What I also want people to know is that the only thing that Family to Family asks of the participants is to make the commitment to come to every class, if possible, because it does build from just general information to communication skills. And so there's a lot to it. It doesn't fix your loved one. The teachers do not give advice. Sometimes in the parking lot you can get advice from another person. But we're very clear that we are lay people, just imparting the information that was created by, by the way, a psychiatrist in Vermont who was told parents don't need to know anything. And he created this class. Is there anything that inspires you, or maybe advice you got, or a quote, or a book that you read that is inspiring to you that you'd like to pass on?
JP: Yeah, I collect quotes, by the way. Yeah, I have like 100 o f them, and I keep them in there. And I was just going through them. And there's one that I can't remember who I heard it from, but it really touched me a lot. I think about this frequently: "A healthy person has 1000 dreams; a sick person only one."
And that touched me to realize, you know, we can go here, we can do that. Where are we going to go to dinner tonight? What do you want to watch? You know, let's go shopping. Hey, when we go on vacation again? And the person who has an illness or mental illness who may be on Husky (Health) and have no income, and is going through the throes of mental illness, that person has one wish: to be better. When I heard that, it really floored me. I repeat that to myself periodically. “I just want to be better”, you know. I don't want a million dollars. Just let me have a good day, maybe, you know.
WSHU: Yeah, it's those hierarchy of needs for sure in survival, and I will add for anybody who's new to this world that if somebody has a very severe mental illness, particularly schizophrenia,
JP: Yep,
WSHU: Or when someone with a different mental illness is in psychosis. There's something called Anosognosia, which is highly spoken about and researched and documented by a book called “I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help,” and people with anosognosia, which is many, many people with schizophrenia, don't even know they're ill because their brain is impaired, and so they may. Not even have that wish. Their wish may be, I need to find a bench to sleep on tonight. So yeah, yeah. How can others find out about this or be of help to you now?
JP: NAMI Connecticut website is namict.org. And in there there's lots of information about upcoming classes. And I always tell people if they're thinking about taking the class, take the first one. And if you don't come back and it's not for you, that's perfectly fine. Some people say, "Oh, I travel and we're going to miss a couple of classes. I said, "That's fine too. “My spouse won't come with me,” I say, we'll make him or her come to the first one. You have nothing to lose. You have a lot to gain.“ And join NAMI too. I think you could actually become a member for like $5 a year, and you'll get tons of information. You know, one of the big things when I took this the first time is I got a lot of knowledge, but it abated my fear. Where I was afraid of, you know, where's my loved one going? What's going on? And it made it more bearable, and then it got better. And as I got more knowledge in teaching the course, it can make a huge difference in your life. If you're battling with a loved one with mental illness, I strongly encourage you to go to namict.org, search under training and education. I know there are three classes upcoming.
WSHU: Yep, you're teaching one of them.
JP: I've got one coming August 13.
WSHU: Yep, up soon. Okay, and for our listeners on Long Island, just go to nami.org and search New York (naminys.org.) Actually, if anybody's listening nationally, nami.org, you can probably see a list of affiliates in your area and Family to Family classes, and if it's virtual, you can take any class you want.
So, final question. This is just a personal one. I ask it of all my guests. Why do you think we're here on Earth?
JP: Really good question. You surprised me a little with that, but I think it's really about interacting with people and trying to help them. I've been somewhat lucky with my family, my life, my business world, and all that. But when I retired, I felt called to do something to give back a little. I didn't quite know where I fit. But then someone told me about this, and it was a good fit. I actually joined the state board. I was Vice President of NAMI Connecticut State. I was president of the NAMI Elm City chapter, and it was all about helping other people. Because you realize when you're doing it, there are so many more unfortunate people, and we have to work with each other and help each other. That's why I do this. That's why I think we're here.
WSHU: Wonderful, thank you. I, you know, as you know, the podcast was inspired byAnne Frank's words. “I still believe people are really good at heart,” but also by Mr. Rogers, who always said, you know, if bad things are happening, look for the helpers. And so, thank you for being a helper, and thank you for joining us on Good at Heart.
JP: Glad I could help. Thanks a lot, Randy.
