Nothing is more innocent or more annoying than the question: "What plans do you have for the summer?" It's one of those harmless, sociable questions that we all ask when we can't think of anything else to say. It's not polite to enquire about the state of a person's digestion, finances, or personal relationships, but summer plans are neutral territory. So, what if you don't have any summer plans worth boasting about?
I might answer that I am planning a quiet summer, possibly clearing out the garage, sitting on the deck when the weather is fine, and walking in the nature reserve. But that's not the right answer to the vacation interrogation, and it gives questioners the opening they need to describe their infinitely more interesting projects.
"Oh yes," they say, "It's a pretty dull summer for us too. We're just visiting our daughter at her Ashram in India, then coming back via Mongolia for a bit of camel trekking. It was so much fun last time. As long as we're in the neighbourhood, we've arranged a hike along the Great Wall of China with a private guide, and we'll come back via Australia and the Galapagos, and stop for a week or two in San Francisco to see the grandchildren. But we've no other plans, except that next week we'll just pop over to Paris, and take the Orient Express down to Venice, where our son is restoring St. Mark's Cathedral............" and so on, and so on. It's hard to compete with this kind of thing.
Of course, anyone can invent a summer full of sophisticated travel. But there’s always the possibility of being found out. If you are not going anywhere, you need an alibi. There is a discreet service known as the Alibi Agency that provides cover for working men and women who wish, for personal reasons, to appear elsewhere for a while. The Agency provides fake invitations to nonexistent conferences, re-routed phone numbers, and even little touches of verisimilitude like conference programs, hotel bills, and airline tickets.
Naturally, I despise this deceptive, sleazy service. I'm particularly upset that I didn't think of it first. But it has given me another, and perhaps a better idea. Why not an Alibi Service for summer vacations? Let’s call it Vacations Without Tears.
This will be a challenging summer for travel, and I’m sure a lot of people would rather stay at home until the world settles down. But how to deal with those innocent questions about summer plans? The Vacations Without Tears agency will solve that problem.
It would work like this. You, the client, would simply tell the Agency where you don't want to go, and give them an itinerary, some personal snapshots and a credit card. The agency would do the rest: send emails and Instagram-ready photos created by AI: the family on an Italian beach,
or halfway up Everest, whatever you like. Real geography is no obstacle. As part of your cover, you would receive appropriate ethnic gifts and souvenirs, a list of symptoms of local diseases, car rental vouchers, and everything you might need to convince your enquiring friends that you have spent a vastly expensive summer perpetually on the move. You can then enjoy a wonderfully quiet summer on the couch, reading travel books.
