A MARTÍNEZ, HOST:
Jenn Freeman has danced for as long as she can remember.
(SOUNDBITE OF DOCUMENTARY, "ROOM TO MOVE")
JENN FREEMAN: When I was little, I loved the way that it felt when I was dizzy. It was helpful in ways that I am just now understanding.
MARTÍNEZ: A new documentary out on Netflix called "Room To Move" looks at how a doctor's visit when she was 33 years old completely changed how Freeman understood why she dances and choreographs.
(SOUNDBITE OF DOCUMENTARY, "ROOM TO MOVE")
FREEMAN: Today, I formally received diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. I've always understood the world around me, and my place in it, making dance. That's why this changes everything.
MARTÍNEZ: So, Jenn, I want to start off this interview in a bit of a different way. I want to ask you a question, a question that I'm guessing you have heard dozens, if not, maybe hundreds of times in your life before you were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. Is that cool with you?
FREEMAN: Absolutely.
MARTÍNEZ: OK. Here's the question. What's wrong, Jenn? What's wrong with you?
FREEMAN: (Laughter) That sounds familiar.
MARTÍNEZ: How have you answered that question?
FREEMAN: Oh. I mean, I went through most of my life internalizing my feelings because I couldn't make sense of them myself. So it felt safer to hide, if that makes sense.
MARTÍNEZ: Yeah. Has it ever been just saying nothing? Like, no, nothing's wrong - I'm fine, I'm fine.
FREEMAN: Yeah, nothing is a common response. It felt nearly impossible to express the complexity of what I was experiencing most of the time.
MARTÍNEZ: I mean, you spent - what? - more than three decades of your life, really, unaware that you were autistic. I mean, what did you think of yourself in that time before you knew?
FREEMAN: You know, I had sort of an interesting dichotomy because there was sort of two versions of me that existed in the world. There was, like, dancer Jenn. And then there was kind of, like, the Jenn that existed everywhere else in the world. And that version of me felt much more confusing. I struggled in friendships and relationships and family and just kind of navigating the world in general. So that felt confusing.
MARTÍNEZ: What do you think might have been different if you had been diagnosed, say, at 6 years old, 13 years old, instead of 33?
FREEMAN: I think it's just because I felt for so long like something was wrong with me. And over time, that really starts to weigh on you. You really start to believe that something is off, but you have no idea what it is. So one of the very, very first thoughts that I remember having when I got my diagnosis was I wish that I had known this much sooner, because there was an immediate grieving process for all of the confusion that I've experienced in my life and all of the moments that I couldn't make sense of because I didn't have the tools and I didn't have the language to do it.
MARTÍNEZ: Amy Schumer is the executive producer of this film, "Room To Move." How was she involved in maybe helping you kind of start heading in that direction to make an appointment to determine whether you're autistic?
FREEMAN: So I was watching Amy's docuseries, "Expecting Amy." And Amy's husband, Chris Fischer, they were having a little bit of a breakdown of communication in their marriage. And he ends up getting a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. And my head exploded. And it was the first time I had ever once thought ever in my entire life that I might be autistic. And, you know, I don't know where I would be right now if Chris and Amy had not been brave enough to share that part of their journey because it's changed my entire life.
(SOUNDBITE OF DOCUMENTARY, "ROOM TO MOVE")
FREEMAN: So much art begins in ways that are unusual or unquantifiable. At some point, dance started taking more from me than it was giving me.
What I meant by that in the film is I was using dance to therapize myself, I think, for so many years throughout my childhood and into my early adulthood. But what starts to happen when you're kind of thrust out into the world and expected to start building a career for yourself, your talent and your drive almost become secondary to your ability to network (laughter) and build relationships. And I really started to struggle to do what I wanted to do and to do what I loved. And, yeah, that lasted for many, many years (laughter).
MARTÍNEZ: Yeah. But you're not quitting, are you? You're still dancing?
FREEMAN: No. No, no, no.
MARTÍNEZ: OK.
FREEMAN: I'm dancing.
MARTÍNEZ: OK.
FREEMAN: You know, I'm on a mission to be doing this until I'm no longer on this earth, and maybe even after that.
MARTÍNEZ: Now, at the start of the film is footage of your mom's ultrasound. And the doctor is going through the typical checklist.
FREEMAN: (Laughter).
MARTÍNEZ: You know, stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart. And it ends with this. She says, everything I can see on a baby this age all looks normal. What does the word normal mean to you?
FREEMAN: It's so - it's interesting. I think, ironically, in all of the work (laughter) I was doing my entire life to fit in, be like everyone else, but I also had this experience where I hated when people would describe me as normal. I liked the feeling of being different. But where I am in my life now, normal, it feels like a scary word.
(LAUGHTER)
FREEMAN: It feels possibly like a word that is not very useful to me at this point in my life (laughter).
MARTÍNEZ: Yeah. Who wants to be normal? No one, I don't think.
FREEMAN: Yeah (laughter).
MARTÍNEZ: That is dancer and choreographer Jenn Freeman. The documentary is called "Room To Move." And it's streaming on Netflix. Jenn, thanks.
FREEMAN: Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF APHEX TWIN'S "PULSEWIDTH") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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