It’s February, which I always think of as being the mid-point, the low-point of winter: December/January first half, February/March second half. Of course, that makes no sense, meteorologically or psychologically. March goes on forever, and the winter monster is more than capable of kidnapping half of April.
Animals hibernate to escape the cold. We need to hibernate to escape the news – the deluge of bad news from all over the world. It’s not just trouble in the Middle East. There always has been and always will be trouble in the Middle East; it’s traditional. But even sane and reasonable nations seem to have gone mad, so the only sane and reasonable response is to sleep through it.
How delightful it would be to close up the house, hang a sign on the door for the UPS man saying, "Gone into Hibernation," get out the warmest duvet and just tuck down there, setting the alarm for about April 10, just in time to get the tax forms in.
The habit of hibernation is one of the many useful skills we've lost in the process of evolution. We tend to forget that evolution is not a one-way street, it can go forwards, backwards, or sideways. Staying awake through the winter was definitely a step backwards, perhaps even a fatal step for the northern part of the human race if we ever run out of oil to heat our homes and run our snow ploughs.
This would be the ideal time of year to hibernate. We’ve had a taste of winter, seen some snow, felt the freezing winds from Canada, and the chilling winds from the new administration. That’s enough. Everything slows down in winter. Why couldn’t it just stop? (Hibernation provides the perfect excuse for two of the most popular human pastimes: not doing anything and eating too much). We would put on as much weight as possible during the Holiday season. Then, during the long winter sleep, like squirrels, we would lose up to 40% of our body weight and emerge in spring, slender and lithe, ready for the swimsuit season.
Dr. Peter Whybrow, in his book The Hibernation Response, notes that a quarter of all Americans suffer unpleasant symptoms during the dark days of winter. We get sluggish, we get fat and depressed, and in general, we suffer from the condition that's come to be called S-A-D, Seasonal Affective Disorder. Only 25%? It seems to me closer to 100%. I think our bodies are trying to tell us something.
There's nothing to be afraid of in hibernation. The heartbeat slows, most brain activity ceases, and you drop into a coma-like state. It's just like watching television. Hibernation would increase our lifespan, and it would save wear and tear on the fragile planet. Life would be one perpetual summer.
Just think of all the awful things we could escape by hibernation: winter storms, enormous fuel and light bills, the football season, and the futile effort to amuse bored cats and bored kids in the long winter evenings. We could escape Seasonal Affective Disorder and the entire new television season: the two things may not be unconnected.
It's worth thinking about. Pull down the shades, pull up the blankets, cancel the newspaper, switch off the TV, throw the smartphone in the garbage, and hibernate. There will never be a better time.